All of my weight loss annoyances caught up to me this week and led to a mid-week breakdown – here’s what happened.
I have finally weaned myself off of Effexor and am entirely on Wellbutrin, but am not liking it. Wellbutrin, as far as I can tell, isn’t helping me with my depression at all, but it IS making me dizzy and headachy, plus super super tired, which means I have been sleeping a lot. Curse you, Wellbutrin! I will probably need to switch either back to Effexor (which is not helpful when it comes to weight loss) or try a new drug. My curiosity is itching to see what happens if I don’t take anything for a while – I have been on one anti-depressant or another since 2007 – and I’m interested to see what I’m like when I’m not on anything.
I am pretty sure I know the answer to that question. Without anti-depressants, I lie in bed all day. And not in a fun way. I lie in bed because I cannot will myself to get out of it. I will literally lie around for hours, staring at the wall and thinking about everything wrong with me. Which is, as you might guess, NO FUN.
But! On the flip side, taking any medication causes side effects and I have so many little weird maladies that I am sure some of them would go away, and I am interested to know which are around for other reasons. I will, of course, ask my doctor before I do anything.
Willing myself to eat right and exercise was a right chore this week – I only made it to the gym four times this week, but I’m not going to beat myself up about that. I’ve been doing more cardio now – trying to do between 30-60 minutes on the bike/treadmill – and not swim as much. I love swimming and it is the easiest and most fun, but I feel like it may not be the best weight loss exercise for me. I can tread water endlessly and without any effort (which will come in handy when I am on a sinking boat), which means that swimming doesn’t necessarily get my heart rate up, unlike using a bike. But biking mindlessly for that length of time DOES make me feel like a hamster sometimes. Suggestions welcome here for best cardio/weights/resistance/interval exercises. I am confused on what to do when and for what and for how long and how many reps…I don’t much care about building muscle, I just want to look like a FOX.
The breakdown occurred Wednesday night when I was leaving work and about to drive over to my boyfriend’s place (he has a rad blog on Trader Joe’s, BTW). I work evenings and get off usually sometime between 9:30 and 10:30, and I am almost always HUNGRY. I eat a sensible dinner around 5:30, before I go to work, and sometimes bring healthy snacks with me to munch on (grapes, protein bars, etc), but when I am done with work I am hungry for hot food. Usually tacos. And I KNOW I shouldn’t be eating tacos at 10pm, because that’s awful for your metabolism. So what ends up happening is this: I am hungry, but persuade myself I shouldn’t eat anything and then I get hungrier and angry and then I try to fall asleep thinking about how hungry I am. I usually hit the hay around 1am, so I am hungry for three hours or so. This has been happening since I started eating better, June 1st which means I have mainly been going to bed hungry for three months – but this past Wednesday that final straw fucking broke that camel’s back.
I decided NOT to drive over to my boyfriend’s, as planned, because I was too hungry and angry (hangry?) and I didn’t want to be a drag. So I came home and called him crying, and was a drag over the phone instead of in person. David, my boyfriend, is incredible and always makes me feel so much better when I’m in self attack mode. He said he wished I had come over so he could have hugged me while I cried, and assured me that everything was going to be okay. I wept about how hungry I was and then SOBBED THAT I WAS GOING TO BE HUNGRY EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. That was the level of my breakdown.
The thing is, I am a very responsible person, and I am always looking down the line to see how choices I make today will affect me later in life. It makes for an organized, well thought out life, but also sometimes an overly worrisome and boring one. The one thought that stopped me from dieting and exercising for so long was that I would have to do it for the rest of my life, and I couldn’t bear that. To go to the stupid gym everyday? To live without cookies? OUT OF THE QUESTION.
So in this diet/exercise/clusterfuck that I am in the middle of right now, I am trying very hard to not go down that path. I am trying to take everyday as it comes, and to eat better and not diet insanely, because I know if I do that I will snap one day and EAT ALL THE COOKIES. But I am only human, and I don’t always make the right choices. And I love food. LOVE. FOOD. I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to eat. I love thinking about food and the best meals I have had. I love to think about what I am going to eat tomorrow, or this weekend. And that’s the thing about it – I am going to be hungry tomorrow, this weekend, next year, and for the rest of my life. I am not going to be able to stop being hungry. Sometimes hunger is a great pleasure, and sometimes it is cruel torture.
So after David patiently and lovingly calmed me down, I had a snack and felt better and realized I could have by-passed this whole snafu if I had just eaten a couple of flippin’ tacos. So what if it was 10:30pm? My mind was clear and I thought to myself – first things first – let’s CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Because you know what the WORST thing for your body is? Stress. And I had been binging on stress for weeks. Was me being hungry for late night tacos worth a total sobbing breakdown? No way. Eat two tacos, be happy, go on with your life. That’s my new way of thinking.
I can say with all honesty that I am never going to be able to be a stereotypical Hollywood kind of woman – only nibbling on food, surviving on salads and juice cleanses – that is not in my nature. I love food far too much, and I truthfully feel bad for those women who can’t enjoy the joy of eating scrumptious things. Because eating should be a joy – not a vice or a tool or an weapon- food should make you happy and fuel your body, right? When you are constantly striving to be thinner and thinner – that’s when food becomes a true enemy and I hereby vow never to let that happen to me.
But on the reverse of that, I can’t give in to my every craving, either. I have never been a overeater – I stop when I am full – but I HAVE been known to live for months on nothing but cereal. Sugar, bread, pasta, rice – these foods are my downfall. And while I will never give them up entirely, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just cutting back a bit, and maybe adding some veggies that weren’t there before. I guess that means I won’t lose weight as fast as I would like, and maybe not even lose as much as I would like, but I think that its a good compromise to make myself happy. And I truly do need to start looking at myself the way I look right now this minute and feel that I am beautiful and sexy, because – man – sometimes its REALLY hard to tell myself that. But no one can make me believe it besides myself and I think now is a good time to start understanding that I AM beautiful – because I am human and because I have a good heart and because I am a work in progress.