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I have sat here for  long while debating whether or not I want to post a picture of myself in a bathing suit for all of the interwebs to see. It’s probably a mistake, but I have to take this weight loss thing seriously, and prove that I am really doing this, so here it is. This was taken two weeks ago – and it makes me shudder to look at it. I have to keep remembering that this is the “before” picture. I still have so much trouble imagining the “after”. 

 

As of Sept 10, I am still only down 6 pounds since I started June 1st. Sigh. But, to be honest, the last month wasn’t my best. I have finally finished the switch from Effexor to Wellbutrin which was no party. But mainly I was discouraged at seeing so little results and became far too lax on my diet. I have tried this time to not be “on a diet”, but to simply eat better. What is becoming clear to me is that will not work for me. My brain has been wired for far too long into giving valid excuses about why I should eat that cookie or bowl of pasta. It is very very hard for me to live on protein & greens, but I am beginning to suspect that is exactly what needs to happen – and it terrifies me. 

 

I tried the Atkins diet once, when I was about 19, and it made me cry several times. I remember going out to dinner with my parents and when the waiter set down the bread basket I burst into tears. I wanted some so badly. I stayed on for perhaps a month, and did lose weight, but I was so miserable it wasn’t worth it. I have always had an enormous sweet tooth. Favorite foods? Pastries, pasta, rice, potatoes, bread.  I’m little-kid picky about vegetables, sadly, and find little joy in salads. But how can I maintain a healthy diet for the rest of my life? There has to be a middle ground, right? I have been eating more veggies, for sure, and substituting smoothies for meals, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I have to work harder. 

 

It’s the same with my exercise plan. Lately I have been swimming a lot – an activity I actually enjoy. I can swim for an hour, no problem, but if I am not seeing results, I need to do something that WILL give me results. I was lifting a lot of weights when I first began, and don’t mind that too much, but running on a treadmill for half an hour is not my idea of a good time. And YET. I can see now that endless amounts of cardio is my only true option, and it’s depressing. 

 

So, I guess these past four months have been somewhat educational, but a bust as far as actual weight loss goes. I am going to have to stop making excuses, stop going so easy on myself and really start eating way way less and exercising way way more. This does not make me a happy bunny. I had hoped, because I have SUCH a long way to go, that even a moderate diet and exercise plan would have results, but I see that isn’t the case. 

 

I know its silly to complain – I am sure you are all reading this and thinking – “yeah, so? get off your ass and DO IT.” but when your brain has been thinking a certain way for your whole life, it is fucking rough to change.  Exercise  is one of my very least favorite things in the world, and eating is one of my favorites. Therein lies the problem.  All that motivation I had in June? Pretty much gone. But I suppose now is the most important time of all, right? 

 

I will say thank you to everyone for all of your lovely comments and support, though. THAT has definitely been the most incredible part of started this journey publicly – knowing that I am not alone in this, and that everyone wants to see me succeed. I want to see that, too.