O Gym! 

 

How you intrigue me with your vast wasteland of weirdos and muscleheads. How varied are they? Let me count the ways!

 

To the gym rats who filmed each other working out.

 

To the sad math teacher who seemed about one week away from suicide. 

 

To the old Chinese man who rocked a mean blues harmonica in the pool area. 

 

To the old Korean women who never swim, but only bounce and who frequently hawk horrible loogies in the shower. 

 

To the man making business deals while spinning. 

 

To the macho dude who got into a shouting match in the middle of the room. 

 

To the personal trainer who was eating a chocolate chip cookie when he checked me in. 

 

To the incredible woman with a true poodle mullet, 7th grade nurse slacks and a denim Looney Tunes embroidered button down – who I just found out was ALSO the crazy swimming lady with full on mask, snorkel and flippers.

 

To the man who asked me while I was swimming if I took any kind of special medicine to get my skin this perfect pink-white color. 

 

To the older woman with huge fake breasts who had had so much plastic surgery she looks like Janice from the muppets. 

 

To the men who insist on making awful, contorted faces and groaning in a repulsive way while they lift weights. 

 

To the personal trainer who looks like a taller, dopier Jake Gyllenhaal. 

 

I salute you all.