It all started when my boyfriends’ roommate moved out and left behind a huge, hideous ceramic cupcake. It was so ugly and useless that I got an itching to smash it. David, being the understanding boyfriend that he is, assisted me in my odd compulsion and after I dropped it on the ground and then broke it into further oblivion with a hammer very sweetly swept it up and threw the shards away for me. And so an obsession was born….
As we all know, New Year’s is one of those love-to-hate-it holidays – in a similar vein to Valentine’s Day. You pretend to be too cool to care about it, but everyone knows all anyone wants is to find the BEST party of ALL time to be at when the clock strikes twelve. Let’s be honest, have any of you every found that party? I sure haven’t. So for the last couple of years, I have been trying not to stress about it, but just have fun. When David suggested that we spend New Year’s smashing more ugly ceramics I couldn’t say yes fast enough.
I spent most of my Christmas holiday in my hometown of Las Vegas scouring thrift stores to find the cheapest, ugliest and most satisfying ceramics to smash. None cost over $4. We are talking pigs wearing overalls. Swans with teddy bears riding on them. Demonic easter bunnies. I was, truth be told, doing a world a favor by getting rid of these ghastly works of “art”.
But still, David and I felt a little guilty for just smashing things for no reason. And then! I found out about Piece by Piece – an LA based charity that looks for broken ceramics in order to teach underprivileged folks how to make mosaics. Perfecto! Can you believe it? We could smash away to our hearts content in good conscience, and then actually HELP A CHARITY at the same time. Amazing.
SO. New Year’s Eve David and I found a semi-private place in an industrial area of Glendale and hauled out our loot. A fair haul, if I do say so myself.
And there was THIS guy – the piece de resistance – a truly horrifying specimen. (The eyes don’t light up, they were just glass marbles reflecting from the flash.) Can you imagine the person who donated this to the goodwill – or, more disturbing still – the “artist” who made this masterpiece?! YIKES. We decided we would save him for last.
And MAN. If you have never smashed anything as hard as you can, I highly recommend it. It is so satisfying to the mind, body and soul. More people with violent urges should try this first before they use their fist or a gun – it is a truly gratifying way to get out any anger, frustration or bad juju you might have pent up inside you in a totally “good clean fun” kinda way.
We were slightly disturbed by the fact that no matter how hard we threw the objects, the ones with faces always smashed completely – except the face would almost always remain in tact. Creepy.
Know what else was creepy? These boots, just sitting on the curb, looking like someone had just stepped out of them.
Then, there were three. These we mentally imbued with special miseries from the previous year and took out all of the frustration we had on them. So delightfully fulfilling.
After the smash-a-thon, we started the monstrous task of sweeping up the enormous mess we had made.
Half way through, the police rolled up. “Hey Guys”, David called cavalierly, continuing to sweep up large shards of broken pottery. “HI!” I cried sunnily, walking over to the car. “What’s going here?” the mustachioed fuzz inquired. “Oh, we’re just smashing pottery, but we’re all done now and we’re cleaning it up.” I said. The two cops looked at each other and laughed. “Alright, Happy New Years” they chuckled, and drove off. Painless. And probably their easiest call all night.
The clean up took longer than expected, and we vowed next time we would shatter ceramics over a tarp for no fuss no muss clean up. We swept up every shard as best we could and bagged it all up for me to drive over to donate later this week.
All in all, a FANTASTIC way to spend New Years. I think this may become my NYE ritual from now on. And now I have a whole year to ferret out ugly ceramics. I’m smiling just thinking about it…..