so i got fired today from my day job. it was basically just a pay-the-bills kinda job at a company that did passports and visas. the folks were nice, but i was hired as a courier and ended up doing office work (which always happens to me). besides business being slow, i apparently didn’t show “initiative”, and so was “let go”.

 


I normally wouldn’t care two shakes about something like this. i’ve been fired before, and will no doubt be fired again. it wasn’t like i was emotionally invested in this job. i think i figured out why this is upsetting me more than it should (other than the fact that i got fired the day before my birthday, which blows).

 


its the fact that i still have to have a pay-the-bills type job. at 32. i moved to los angeles ten years ago and i’m not any closer to being the working film actor than i was in 2001. i didn’t expect to be an overnight sensation or anything, but right now i have no agent, no manager, and no projects in the works. it’s a sad feeling. the film role i was supposed to have early this year in a major movie with a director i love fell through. its not in my nature to give up, but i gotta say, i’m feeling pretty uninspired these days. i know i need to start writing and getting out there more and really hustling, and i will, but….just today, its all feeling pretty crummy.

 


the thing that bothers me most about the film industry is that as children we were taught that if you work hard enough and really do your best, you will be rewarded. but being an actor doesn’t work that way. its not about who has paid their dues, who researches their role the most, who gives the best performance or who wants it more than the rest. its about being friends with the writer, about being chummy with the casting director, about having weight behind your name so that the producers can be sure that people will pay to see you. i am a very hard worker, i have been acting since i was a kid and i love being in film more than anything in the world. but that doesn’t necessarily mean i will succeed. just wanting it bad enough and trying your best doesnt hold water in this industry. and yes, this is something i knew getting into it. if i wanted security, i should have been a banker. but film makes me so incredibly happy – and i just want the chance to make a film that makes others feel that way too.

 

 

tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. i’m definitely not going to let these thoughts and feelings infringe on my celebrations, but i just wanted to get them out.