I generally champion Los Angeles. I love living here. I have the most amazing job, incredible friends, and a sweet apartment in a great location. The weather is gorgeous. I love that I can find bizarro things to do here every weekend if I so choose. Every movie plays here, every concert comes here. There are a million restaurants to choose from in every single cuisine available on earth. After my extensive travels, I can say with confidence that maybe apart from London, there is no where in the world I would rather live.
That being said….
There are some things about Los Angeles that drive me up the wall. I was really thrown when I moved here because everyone is so into looking “cool”. I felt too intimidated to talk to anyone because everyone was doing their “cool pose” in their “cool outfits”. I soon realized that generally anyone I went up and talked to was really friendly and open, once you got past the frosty facade. This is something that bothered me, something I realized was based on my insecurities, and an issue that I have moved on from.
But the stereotypes of Los Angeles folk being flaky? SO FUCKING TRUE. It bugs me to no end. I am a very honest person, and have no ulterior motives when talking to friends. My cards are always out on the table where everyone can see them (sometimes to my detriment). When I tell someone I will be at an event they are having, or that I can help them with something, I mean it. If I say I will be there, I will be there. (Of course, there are legitimate excuses for any absence – sickness, etc.) But the frequency in which I am told that I will be seeing someone on a certain date or time and then getting a last-minute excuse or simply not hearing from them at all is staggering. And fucking annoying.
It makes me feel like I can’t count on anyone. Now whenever someone invites me somewhere, or offers to do me a favor, somewhere in the back of my head I’m thinking – yeah, sure, believe it when I see it – and I hate it. The funny thing about it is that the majority of the time the person offers up their help to me – I don’t ask for it. So I feel even doubly disappointed when they stiff me. I don’t want to become a distrustful person, or a cynic. And I don’t want to be friends with people who I can’t believe in, either. But this behavior is so par for the course here that I feel like I would have no friends left if I really stopped hanging out with everyone who did this.
Which is not to say all of my friends are assholes, of course.
I’m not writing this post about any one person or one specific event. I’m just fed up with this behavior and wish that people here in Los Angeles would be more sincere. Just tell me what you really think. If you don’t want to come to something I’ve invited you to, just tell me nicely you’ll see me next time. And why in heaven’s name would you offer me a favor that you have no intention of following up with? I just ask that if you want to be my friend that you treat me kindly, with honesty and respect. And that you’re punctual when meeting me. I don’t think these requests are outlandish – friends should always treat each other with kindness and respect.
But that’s a laugh, right? This is one of the things that I have to put up with in order to live in one of the best cities in the world, yeah? WHY? Where does this behavior stem from and is there a way to stop it?
June 16, 2011
juliamarchese
9 responses to “Le Sigh”
sinaphile
June 16th, 2011 at 18:46
Yep. Hate it more than anything in the world. Have noticed that Imports do it a hellovalot more than us native folk though. From my experience. I’ve given up on the whole thing. Not in a negative way, just in a *shrug* *whatever* way. I have way too many other better things to do with my time than worry about these things and people I used to worry about. I do end up going to a lot of shit on my own, due to the fact that muthafuckas flake like muthafuckas (thus the term, I suppose?) but at least I get to eat at the restaurant I wanna eat at, see the film/play/art exhibit I wanna see, rock out at the concert I wanna see. Fact of life: People make promises. Other fact of life: people break those very same promises 2 seconds later. Other fact of life: YOU don’t have to break promises to YOU. And that’s how *I* see it.
Tiiu Eva Rebane
June 16th, 2011 at 23:24
I’ll always do what I say I’ll do., and be there when you need me.
But we’ve known each other since we were 15. Maybe that’s the trick. Only hang out with the beat girls.
Gail Marsh
June 17th, 2011 at 06:04
I always enjoy your writing, my Honey. This one does have disturbing info about LA folks. This is not usual behavior anywhere I’ve ever lived. I’d think that, if the behavior is so common there, then it is also pretty much accepted and tolerated, and a lot of folks really have lost perspective as to how to treat others with respect and courtesy. Respect for others starts with respect for self. Perhaps that is the key. Are there a lot of folks out there who don’t respect/love themselves? Why, and what does that mean? Ponderponder…Keep Writing!!! oxox
TTD
June 17th, 2011 at 06:32
It’s a plot. Nothing more, nothing less.
WanderingJu
June 17th, 2011 at 09:05
Hi Julia!!
I am so much like you in that I also place most of my cards on the table with most people. I am naturally friendly to everyone when I first meet/talk to them. But, I usually have a good knack of getting a good/bad vibe which I pick up unconsciously most of the time and so I behave accordingly. It is hard to cultivate intuition, so I don’t really know what to tell you… But there is no solution on how to make others change.. it comes from within.. you have to stop caring about others not caring. It’s sad but just let go.. float.. for your own peace of mind.
WanderingJu
June 17th, 2011 at 09:06
Hi Julia!!
I am so much like you in that I also place most of my cards on the table with most people. I am naturally friendly to everyone when I first meet/talk to them. But, I usually have a good knack of getting a good/bad vibe which I pick up unconsciously most of the time and so I behave accordingly. It is hard to cultivate intuition, so I don’t really know what to tell you… But there is no solution on how to make others change.. it comes from within.. you have to stop caring about others not caring. It’s sad but just let go.. float.. for your own peace of mind.
love you from across the seas!
Juhi
Donovan Keith
June 17th, 2011 at 11:16
I’ve been upset by this and guilty of this (my apologies).
I suspect that if LA was smaller and things were closer together, folks would flake a lot less. In my experience, people make commitments in earnest, but fail to realize just how tired they’ll be by their 3rd party and how uninviting the prospect of driving *another* 45min is. Almost any time I’ve flaked there’s been a drive and the prospect of being surrounded by lots of strangers – people flake so often we invite a ton of people which can be intimidating. People rarely flake on 1-on-1 commitments arranged by phone or in person.
As to the flaking on projects, there’s an old New Yorker Cartoon:
New York
Picture: Two guys talking on the street
Speech Bubble: “Fuck you!”
Thought Bubble: “Hello.”
Los Angeles
Picture: Two guys talking on the street
Speech Bubble: “Hello.”
Thought Bubble: “Fuck you!”
Angelenos will kill you with kindness – because at the back of their mind is the thought “this might be the person that gives me my break.”
Donovan Keith
June 17th, 2011 at 11:47
Also, and I’m probably going to get myself in trouble for this one, but:
When given the choice between:
1) Keeping my commitment to a “maybe” Facebook RSVP that will involve only getting to spend 5 minutes with the person who invited me (who I barely know) and the rest of the time with people who I *really* don’t know.
2) Agreeing to a last-minute invitation to a walk with a good friend I don’t get to see often because of they work production.
I’m going to choose #2 every time, even if that makes me a flake.
Also, I think flakiness is built into the culture of LA because of the film industry. By leaving family and friends across the country to pursue a career in the film/television, folks have already made their priorities clear: “making it” is more important than spending time with family and friends. It’s shitty, but “can this person help me?” leads to a wide-range of really shallow interactions. I’m happy to be out of the game because I didn’t like having that wheel constantly turning – it’s pretty disgusting after a time.
Theory #3: artist types like to say yes to everything in the moment but aren’t good at using calendars.
Anywho, I think the moral of the story is: I’m a flakey asshole, and when I die alone it will be because I spent too much finding sociological excuses for my shitty behavior instead of changing it.
Dennis Cozzalio
June 24th, 2011 at 19:23
I completely understand the phenomenon when you’ve told somebody you want to get together and then the time comes and your mood has changed and what you really would rather do is just be alone, or whatever. But though your mood has changed, what HASN’T changed is the fact that you’ve made a commitment to get together. What is so goddamn hard about following through on that? Is even the tiniest inconvenience just too much for the most selfish one in our society to bear? I think Donovan is right too in saying that a lot of what you get here is motivated by what people think you can do for them– will I eventually need to ask/beg this person for a job? So how is it that people feel they can ingratiate themselves to others by displaying this kind of flaky behavior?
I have (had?) a friend I met when I moved here who routinely pulled this last-minute shit, and though it was hard to convince myself that what was behind it was that she was just selfish and uninterested in anyone but herself and her own needs, I did manage to eventually brush off those thoughts. But after having known her for over two decades now I realize that my first instincts were correct. She’s virtually a hermit now, and she hides behind a lot of health reasons to avoid interacting with just about everyone. And I’ve had to just finally say to her, “Enjoy the life of isolation you’ve planned fro yourself” and give it one of Sinafile’s shrugs. What else can I do? How much more should I hold myself responsible for? Life has gotten complicated enough without having to take on worry about the people who obviously don’t want to spend time with me.
I hadn’t been to the New Bev in almost two months (for reasons too tedious and pathetic to detail here), but in going back a few nights ago it was so nice to feel reconnected to people I really did miss, and who I genuinely felt missed me too. Screw the phonies. It’s better to cultivate time with the people who have shown that they care.