Thank you, Glee.

 

 

I’m having a really bad week.

 

Nothing has changed in my life – everyone I know is (thankfully) happy and healthy, I still have my jobs, and everything is cruising along normally on the surface.

 

Underneath that is me having maybe one of the worst bouts of depression/anxiety I have ever had. And the scariest part is I’m on two medications right now for depression and anxiety. And it is still absolutely crippling.

 

Before I go any further, let me say I have an appointment this afternoon to see a doctor and get this all sussed out.

 

But in the meantime…yesterday I could barely function, dragging myself as if I were a zombie to the gym and then to the grocery store. It was a friend’s birthday recently and I promised him I would make him a cake, so I robotically put one together.

 

I shouldn’t have gone to work and I should have called off my regular Monday movie night – that’s how bad I was. I would have done – but I had made the cake.

 

I ended up leaving movie night halfway through, which I had never done before, seeing as I am the host, but I couldn’t keep up the charade any longer – and I had been slumped apathetically in my boyfriend’s lap, so my charade – if I had any to begin with – had been paper thin.

 

I curled up in bed and waited for sleep. I just didn’t want to have to think or feel anymore.

 

This morning I woke up slightly better, but still in dire need of a doctor’s advice. So while I wait for my appointment, I am snuggled up on my couch under the quilt I made, sipping a Tab and watching Glee.

 

And Glee is making me so fucking happy.

 

And this, folks, is why people make art.

 

When the cast and crew behind Glee were filming, they would never know that one day a girl battling with severe depression would watch the show and find it a lone source of joy in a world otherwise completely overwhelming to her. And I think that every one of those actors, crew members and writers would probably agree that if their show can do that for one person, then all of it has been worth it.

 

I’m that person.

 

Thank you, everyone behind Glee. You’ve helped me more than you could ever know.

 

35 things I have learned in my 35 years on Earth.

I turn 35 on March 18. I thought I would impart what wisdom I have accumulated thus far. If you can call it wisdom…

 

1. Don’t let other people’s opinions of you change the way you look at yourself. You’re awesome. Trust me.

 

 

2. Be kind to everyone you meet. You never know when they might pop up again in your life. But if someone is a dick to you, be a dick back. Fuck that guy.

 

 

3. Take good care of your teeth. You can have crooked teeth and have it be adorable, but no matter what, they should always be clean and white. When  you haven’t flossed since the last time your mom made you its gross. Floss and brush and you don’t have to worry about your teeth falling out or heart disease later. 

 

 

4. On a similar note, keep your nose hairs in check. No one like to look at protruding hairs – and the older you get, the more unruly they become. I highly recommend getting a nose hair trimmer – available for less than $20 at your local drug store! 

 

 

5. Here’s my dating advice: If you see someone you think is cute, ask them out. The worst they can say is no. Even if they do, I promise you they will let you down easy and won’t say “Eew! NO!”  You might waste an evening of your time with them if you don’t get along, but what’s one evening out of your life? And maybe you’ll gain a lover, a friend, or at least a good story.

 

 

6. Be considerate of others. Pay attention to the space around you. Other people deserve the respect you expect from them. Please be considerate when playing your music, using your phone, driving, walking around –  Awareness, please.

 

 

7. READ. I devour books by the truckload. I love to learn and can’t wait to see what book is going to blow my mind next.

 

 

8. Be honest. Telling people what you really feel helps pretty much every situation there is. Which leads me to:

 

 

9. Pay attention to your instincts. When you meet someone and a little voice inside tells you that’s there’s something off about them, listen to that voice. Humans are amazing creatures and our body has a little defense mechanism built right in – that most people plow right over intellectually. You will save yourself from dangerous situations in every facet of your life with this.

 

 

10. The Beatles are the greatest band on Earth. If you don’t like the Beatles it is either because:

 

a. You haven’t listened to enough of their songs. You need to explore the deep cuts – there is a little something for everyone. I guarantee you that I can find you ONE Beatles song you would like, regardless of your music tastes.

         

  b. You are contrary and reject them because everyone has told you your whole life that The Beatles are the greatest band on Earth. But if you let this  go, you would actually like them. ( see letter a. above)

 

 

11. Converse were, are, and will always will be the coolest shoe on the planet. Black high tops go with absolutely anything, in any style. Preppy, gangster, punk, goth, nerd – Chuck Taylors know no societal boundaries. When I see someone wearing Converse I like them a little better.

 

 

12. Braces are a fucking scam.  You will get your braces off and your teeth will be perfect. BUT YOU WILL NEED TO WEAR YOUR RETAINER EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU WANT YOUR TEETH TO STAY AS THEY ARE. Truth. 

 

 

13.  Life is too short to waste time matching your socks. The only people that see you in your socks are your close friends and family, so who cares?  Oh, but the TSA guys at the airport are going to tell you EVERY TIME you go through that your socks don’t match. Humiliating-1984-esque body scans AND hilarious jokes? It’s almost too much to bear.

 

 

14. Punctuality. I am always on time. I think making other people wait for you is very disrespectful and suggests that you consider your time more important than theirs.  I understand there are exceptions when you legitimately couldn’t help but being late, but 95% of the time you could have made it on time, you just didn’t.

 

 

15. Stand up for what you believe in. I felt so moved when I found out that movie studios were going to stop making 35mm prints that I felt compelled to create a petition to ask the studios to continue sharing their prints with revival cinemas indefinitely. It sparked a debate in film circles and lead to me making my first feature film. At first I wasn’t going to do anything because I didn’t think an online petition would make any difference – but then I realized that fighting for what i think is valuable is more important than how many signatures I got. I’m so glad I listened to that little voice. (See #9)

 

 

16. TCB. Take Care of Business. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Don’t hem and haw and maybe get to it two weeks later. After I raised the money on Kickstarter to make Out of Print, we were shooting the film less than a month later. I finished the entire film, soup to nuts in a little under a year.

 

 

17. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. You are just as important as everyone else and you deserve to be treated as an equal.

 

 

18. Movies – and the art of watching movies with an audience – is one of my very favorite things. Nothing makes me happier than being in a darkened theater surrounded by like minded people enjoying a brilliant film. End of story.

 

 

19. Don’t buy into your own hype. Living in Hollywood, I have seen folks get famous and consequently act as if they are suddenly better than you and too busy to be your friend, or are simply “ON” all of time. It’s exhausting and a major drag. True friends are ones that won’t agree with you on everything, but will tell you when you’re being a major chump.

 

 

20. Traveling is the best way to discover who you are. Seeing how the world works (or doesn’t, in some cases) and how everything around the globe is so different yet so incredibly similar is a real mind opener.  Food, clothing, sights, weather, customs…the wonders of travel never cease. And when you return, I promise you’ll see your own life in a new way, too.

 

 

21. If a restaurant looks dodgy, the food is not good. I had been living my life by the old “Hey, it’s in a dingy shopping mall and the people looked shocked when I walked in the door and everything is covered in grease but maybe its a HIDDEN GEM” mantra. Folks, that mantra has failed me more times than I care to count. I could write an entire separate post about  the abominable meals I have been served in Los Angeles. I’m an experimental girl and I love exploring the city and am always up for trying a new place, but ain’t nobody got time for lousy food.

 

 

22. No one wants to hear you complain. Not even your mom. Venting is a normal human response –  I’m not saying keep everything bottled up inside –  just don’t let your life become overwhelmed with negativity. If you spend just one day noticing how much you and the people around you complain, I promise you’ll want to cut back.

 

 

23. Always take the time to appreciate an amazing ass.

 

 

24. If you start a fight club and proudly walk around with a black eye as a woman, people will think you are a domestic violence victim.

 

 

25. Be silly. Don’t trust people who aren’t.

 

 

26. No woman is immune to the biological clock.

 

 

27. Electric blankets are the fucking best. I wish I could time travel back to my childhood and tell myself to buy one, post-haste. Instead of shivering under your covers for way too long in the winter, just crank this little puppy up ten minutes before you jump in the hay, and you’re in for warm, snuggly heaven.

 

 

28. Cookie Butter is the life. Find me a substance more delicious than this – I double dog dare you.

 

 

29. Whether you are a very poor man or a very rich man, it is always in bad taste to talk about money.

 

 

30. Be wary of corporations and cities that white wash everything. They are out to kill your soul.

 

 

31. Whatever you fantasize about is okay. It’s in your head.

 

 

32. Love at first sight really exists. 

 

 

33. Don’t be embarrassed if you don’t know something. Ask. No shame in it whatsoever.

 

 

34. Stay away from talking about politics and religion.

 

 

35. Lastly, and most importantly. Just Be Cool. If everyone in this world was just Cool, think about how much better this world would be.

 

The Greatest Book You’ve Never Read

I love books that show up out of nowhere and strike you across the face with their brilliance.

 

 

There are two books in my life that I have serendipitously plucked from a bookstore shelf, taken home – where they absolute blew my mind and which I have consequently re-read every year and will continue to forever and forever, amen.

 

 

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The first book was found just as I was about to leave for college – The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis. (That’s my much loved copy pictured above) I had never heard of it, but the cover design and title intrigued me and I felt  pulled to it. It ended up totally and completely rocking my little socks right off. I had never read a writer with such a natural, casual voice and Ellis’ use of the multi-narrator format in the book opened my eyes to non-traditional narration. He doesn’t use it in a heavy-handed Crash kind of way, but allows the readers to piece together a truth for themselves from the varying snatches of reality from each of his characters. It also allows for a richer narrative, letting the reader into the thoughts of several of the characters, instead of just one.

 

 

MidnightSun

 

A few years ago, there was a bit of a ruckus amongst Twilight fans when Stephenie Meyer’s half-finished manuscript for her novel, Midnight Sun, leaked online. She retaliated by  announcing that she was abandoning the novel, to much disappointment from fans. Midnight Sun is Twilight told from Edward’s point of view, and from what’s available on-line, it’s really enlightening. Like everyone else, you may have asked “Why is Edward such an over-controlling asshole?” – being privy his thoughts, emotions and motivations in Midnight Sun make him seem more like a man in desperate love than a mind reading psycho. The publication of Midnight Sun would have changed people’s feelings on the whole series. In any case,  I think it’s a majorly cool idea to write a novel in a series from a different characters point of views.

 

Jump Back.

 

I have probably read The Rules of Attraction more times than any other book (with Valley of the Dolls coming in close second). It blooms and gets richer with every reading – references within the different narratives begin to overlap. All of Bret Easton Ellis’  books take place in a demented universe of his own creation; most of his characters criss-cross wonderfully, often popping up in one, if not all, of his novels. For example, Sean Bateman – one of the three main narrators in The Rules of Attraction – is younger brother to Patrick Bateman, aka American Psycho. They each cameo in the other’s books as background players. Ellis has built such a big world for himself to play in, its fun to see where he’ll go next.

 

 

Bret

 

Also, I love Ellis’ books because his characters are appalling awful – cold, vain, heartless bisexual nymphomaniac drug addled blood sucking vampires (sometimes literally). His characters are the complete opposite of me and I am fascinated by their twisted world. Ellis probably based most –  if not all – of his characters off of people he knew in real life, including himself, god bless him. Go on wit yer bad self, Bret Easton Ellis.

 

 

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The second book that I found –  the one alluded to in the title of this post –  only a month ago. I was intrigued by the title and cover, but the killer copy on the back cinched it for me:

 

“You hold in your hands a true lost classic, one of the most legendary cult books ever published in America. Jack Black’s autobiography was a bestseller and went through five printings in the late 1920′s. It has led a mostly subterranean existence since then – best known as William S. Burrough’s favorite book, one he admitted lifting big chunks of from memory for his first novel, Junky. But its time we got wise to this book, which is itself a remarkably wise book – and a ripping true saga. It’s an amazing journey into a hobo underworld; freight hopping around the still wide open West at the turn of the century, becoming a member of the “yegg” Brotherhood and a highwayman, learning the outlaw philosophy from Foot-and-a-half-George and The Sanctimonous Kid, getting hooked on opium, passing through hobo jungles, hop joints and penitentiaries. This is a chunk of the American story entirely left out of the history books – it’s a lot richer and stranger than the official version.”

 

 

Fuck. Yes.

 

William S. Burrough’s favorite book? Hop joints? The Sanctimonious Kid?! Sign me up! (Well done, copy writer at AK Press!)*

 

 

You Can’t Win is an autobiography by Jack Black (not that Jack Black) published in 1926.  Jack dropped out of society at 14 in the late 19th century and grew up learning underhand skills like home burglary, safe cracking, opium smoking and rail riding from folks with names like Smiler, Soapy Smith and Salt Chunk Mary. “Blacky”, as he was called when he was on the road, was one of the “Johnson Family” and was a staunch member of the Yegg Brotherhood of Criminals.**

 

 

jack-1912a

You Can’t Win follows Blacks journey in and out of jails (escaped from in both the USA & Canada), successful and failed burglaries, his decade long crippling addiction to opium and finally his friendships with fellow hoboes in jails and bum conventions throughout North America. That in itself would be an incredible book, but the craziest part (and this is no spoiler, he begins the book with this information) is that unlike most of the people we meet with Jack in this book, he was able to reform, become an upright citizen and end up as a writer and librarian.

 

 

Instead of spending his life wasting away as a hop head or getting blown away in a botched robbery attempt like most people he knew, Black realized that he could do society a service by putting his years of wrong doing to use by writing a book which laid out, in plain language, what was going through the heads and hearts of societies dropouts, and to remind people that in the end, even the lowliest criminal need love too.

 

 

jack-1926

Black writes in an efficient and conversational manner, and doesn’t sugar coat. He never tries to come off as the “hero” and tells his story with fondness and heart. Black gives a speech at the end of this book that may be one of the best end-of-book-speeches ever.

 

I loved this book so much that I knew as soon as I finished reading it (and re-read that fantastic speech a second time) that I must tell the world of my new-found favorite book. Please let me know if you read either or both of these and what you think of them. Also, I would also love to know about what books have rocked your world.

 

I’m always looking for a good book.

 

*The company that published You Can’t Win, AK Press, aka Nabat Books,  is amazing and where I am going to be spending all of my birthday money. They’re so cool that prisoners can get any of their books sent to them for $10 and this is their bitchin’ manifesto:

 

 

 

“Nabat books is a series dedicated to reprinting forgotten memoirs by various misfits, outsiders and rebels. Nabat books are based on a few simple propositions:

 

 

That to be a success under current definition is highly toxic – wealth, fame and power are a poison cocktail; that era of triumphant capitalism that enshrines the most dreary human pathologies like greed and self-interest as good and natural; that the “winners” version of reality and history is deeply lame and soul-rotting stuff.

 

Given this it follows that the truly interesting and meaningful lives and real adventures are only to be had on the margins of what Kenneth Rexroth called “the social lie”. Its with the dropouts, misfits, dissidents, renegades and revolutionaries, against the grain, between the cracks and amonst the enemies if the state that the good stuff can be found.

Fortunately there is a mighty underground river of testimony from the disaffected, a large cache of hidden history, of public secrets overlooked by the oppressive conventional wisdom that Nabat books aims to tap into. A little something to set against the crushed hopes, mountains of corpses, and commodification of everything. Actually, we think this is the best thing western civilization has going for itself.”

 

** The Yegg Brotherhood is the idea that criminals aren’t lowly, brainless animals but men with character. Black says “The thief who goes out and steals money to pay back room rent rather than swindle his poor landlady has character. The one who runs away without paying her has no character…In the underworld one has good or bad character as in any other layer of society. The thief who pays off borrowed money, debts, or grudges has a good character among his fellows; and the thief who does the reverse has a bad character.” Fascinating stuff, honor amonst thieves…

 

***Just found out, while googling pictures for this post, that You Can’t Win has been made into a feature film starring Michael Pitt (?!) and will be released this year sometime. Don’t know how I feel about that….

Living the Dream

I had a moment of pure joy today.  I was sitting in my awesome living room in the rad Hollywood apartment I share with my amazing boyfriend, watching Glee on Netflix (I heart you Cory Monteith RIP), and addressing countless envelopes to send out the soundtrack to Out of Print for my Kickstarter backers. I looked up and thought – I am exactly where I want to be right now. I smiled and took a celebratory sip of my Mello Yello.

 

I have had a few film festival rejections the last few weeks –  and they are no fun for anyone. And although I’ve had some bad days, I feel like a positive change is coming just around the corner.  I feel like I am standing on the edge of a giant cliff, about to finally take the next step off into the unknown. Once Out of Print premieres and begins to gather up steam, my life is going to go in a crazy new direction – one that I am so excited to discover, no matter what happens with the film.  The waiting to hear back from festivals has been killing me, but Ive taken this pent up energy and using it to write treatments as many ideas as I can  - so that if, and when, I am asked “what I have coming up next” I will have lots of answers – A novel, a couple of screen plays, documentaries, a TV show, 35mm storage solutions, etc – so I feel like this stagnant period has actually been productive.

 

I am so interested to see if my film speaks to audiences and inspires them to seek our their local cinemas . THAT is the goal of my film. To show people how important community is when it comes to cinema.  And to make every person who supported me along the way – all of my Kickstarter backers, my cast and crew, my friends and family, the folks helping me make my 35mm print, everyone – proud. When I first started working on this film, the thought of having to make all of these people proud terrified me. How could I possibility make a film worthy of everyone? But now I see that all anyone wants is for me to make the best film I can possibly make – nothing more. And I think I can say in all honesty that I made that film.

 

After waiting so restlessly for  “my future to begin” for so many months, today really opened my eyes to the fact that by focusing on the future, I am missing out on just how groovy my present is. Living with the man I adore in a sweet Hollywood pad with all of the VHS and vinyl a girl could ask for, sending out CD’s of the soundtrack (composed by my amazing older brother) for the feature length documentary that I raised over $80,000 to make and which will make its world premiere in the next six months. Yessir. I’d say no matter what the future may bring, I’m a lucky girl – right now.

Waiting…

Out of Print has been submitted to a total of 8 festivals – so far. Sundance, SXSW, Tribeca, Hot Docs, Atlanta, Omaha, Seattle and the American Doc Film Festival. Sundance would be the first festival chronologically, in January. I should hear within the next two weeks whether or not my film is accepted to Sundance or not, and the waiting is absolutely killing me.

 

 

My future as a filmmaker hangs in the balance and I will know soon enough a hint as to how my next year will be. Most film festivals want your film to world premiere at their festival and frown upon showings beforehand. (Which is why there hasn’t been a screening of the film as of yet. I hope to do one next year at the New Bev…) I would be more than thrilled to premiere Out of Print at any of the festivals listed above, but since Sundance is the first fest of the year, let’s talk about that. 

 

 

Sundance is THE film festival. If your film gets accepted (and the odds are rough. almost 1,700 feature-length documentary films were submitted to Sundance in 2013, only 40 are selected to screen.) you will definitely gain attention. So I know that my life will be significantly different if I am rejected or accepted to Sundance. And I will (or will not) be getting a phone call in the next 10 days or so that will set my life down one path or another – can you imagine waiting for that phone call since August??

 

 

I do have high hopes for the film. I think I did the best job I possibly could and I think the results are a film that is funny, sad, educational, goofy and sincere. A film that smacks of my personality. A film that fights with all of its core for revival cinema and 35mm.

 

 

Of the few friends and family that have seen it, all of the reviews have been overwhelmingly positive and every single one has said that it makes them want to go to the New Beverly Cinema – AND to their other local revival houses, so I feel like I have done my job. 

 

And – this will sound corny as all get out – but I genuinely want the movie to succeed so that, if nothing else, it will make people interested in their local cinemas again –  THAT is the ultimate goal. 

 

I am also super excited to announce that I am in talks right now with some incredibly lovely fellows over at Kodak, Fotokem and Digineg about making a 35mm print of Out of Print!! I figured a film that argues so hard for 35mm film exhibition can’t be shown on digital, right?? I am so fricking excited about this and will keep everyone updated – but can you imagine premiering Out of Print on 35mm?? Eek!!

 

 

Thanks for all of your continued support and loyalty – so very appreciated. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. Viva la 35mm!!

 

 

Weight Loss. Sigh.

Hey. So I need to update about what’s going on with my weight loss plan, but the sad truth is that nothing is going on. I switched from Effexor to Wellbutrin to help lose weight, but the Wellbutrin was giving me dizzy headaches, so after six weeks I am back on Effexor. Good for my psyche, bad for weight loss. All of this anti-depressant hokey pokey has my body all confused and my motivation has been sliding away. 

 

I went to the gym twice last week and haven’t been at all this week. I think about it everyday and a little voice yells “GO!” but I just haven’t. Knowing that the Effexor is hindering my weight loss and that it will take me three months of 5 days a week exercise & diet to even lose 6 pounds isn’t exactly motivating. I WILL head back, promise, but right now I am in the process of moving by November 1st AND running a Kickstarter campaign, so I am a busy bee. But that shouldn’t matter, right? I should just get up and go every morning, rain or shine, no excuses. I know. 

 

What’s bothering me more than my apathy about exercise is my apathy towards myself right now. All of the optimism and confidence of June has disappeared and I am scrambling to get it back. I feel lazy, fat and overwhelmed.  

 

I am still figuring out my correct dosage for my medication right now, so I am sure that once I do, everything will fall back into place. embarrassed to have to write this post and announce that after 5 months, I am exactly where I started. 

A Rough Week.

All of my weight loss annoyances caught up to me this week and led to a mid-week breakdown  - here’s what happened.

 

 

I have finally weaned myself off of Effexor and am entirely on Wellbutrin, but am not liking it. Wellbutrin, as far as I can tell, isn’t helping me with my depression at all, but it IS making me dizzy and headachy, plus super super tired, which means I have been sleeping a lot. Curse you, Wellbutrin!  I will probably need to switch either back to Effexor (which is not helpful when it comes to weight loss) or try a new drug. My curiosity is itching to see what happens if I don’t take anything for a while  - I have been on one anti-depressant or another since 2007 – and I’m interested to see what I’m like when I’m not on anything.

 

 

I am pretty sure I know the answer to that question. Without anti-depressants, I lie in bed all day. And not in a fun way.  I lie in bed because I cannot will myself to get out of it. I will literally lie around for hours, staring at the wall and thinking about everything wrong with me. Which is,  as you might guess,  NO FUN.

 

 

But! On the flip side, taking any medication causes side effects and I have so many little weird maladies that I am sure some of them would go away, and I am interested to know which are around for other reasons. I will, of course, ask my doctor before I do anything.

 

 

Willing myself to eat right and exercise was a right chore this week – I only made it to the gym four times this week, but I’m not going to beat myself up about that. I’ve been doing more cardio now – trying to do between 30-60 minutes on the bike/treadmill – and not swim as much. I love swimming and it is the easiest and most fun, but I feel like it may not be the best weight loss exercise for me. I can tread water endlessly and without any effort (which will come in handy when I am on a sinking boat), which means that swimming doesn’t necessarily get my heart rate up, unlike using a bike. But biking mindlessly for that length of time DOES make me feel like a hamster sometimes. Suggestions welcome here for best cardio/weights/resistance/interval exercises. I am confused on what to do when and for what and for how long and how many reps…I don’t much care about building muscle,  I just want to look like a FOX.

 

 

SO!

 

 

The breakdown occurred Wednesday night when I was leaving work and about to drive over to my boyfriend’s place (he has a rad blog on Trader Joe’s, BTW).  I work evenings and get off usually sometime between 9:30 and 10:30, and I am almost always HUNGRY. I eat a sensible dinner around 5:30, before I go to work, and sometimes bring healthy snacks with me to munch on (grapes, protein bars, etc), but when I am done with work I am hungry for hot food. Usually tacos. And I KNOW I shouldn’t be eating tacos at 10pm, because that’s awful for your metabolism. So what ends up happening is this: I am hungry, but persuade myself I shouldn’t eat anything and then I get hungrier and angry and then I try to fall asleep thinking about how hungry I am. I usually hit the hay around 1am, so I am hungry for three hours or so. This has been happening since I started eating better, June 1st which means I have mainly been going to bed hungry for three months – but this past Wednesday that final straw fucking broke  that camel’s back.

 

 

I decided NOT to drive over to my boyfriend’s, as planned, because I was too hungry and angry (hangry?) and I didn’t want to be a drag. So I came home and called him crying, and was a drag over the phone instead of in person. David, my boyfriend, is  incredible and always makes me feel so much better when I’m in self attack mode. He said he wished I had come over so he could have hugged me while I cried, and assured me that everything was going to be okay. I wept about how hungry I was and then SOBBED THAT I WAS GOING TO BE HUNGRY EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. That was the level of my breakdown.

 

 

The thing is, I am a very responsible person, and I am always looking down the line to see how choices I make today will affect me later in life. It makes for an organized, well thought out life, but also sometimes an overly worrisome and boring one. The one thought that stopped me from dieting and exercising for so long was that I would have to do it for the rest of my life, and I couldn’t bear that. To go to the stupid gym everyday? To live without cookies? OUT OF THE QUESTION.

 

 

So in this diet/exercise/clusterfuck that I am in the middle of right now, I am trying very hard to not go down that path. I am trying to take everyday as it comes, and to eat better and not diet insanely, because I know if I do that I will snap one day and EAT ALL THE COOKIES. But I am only human, and I don’t always make the right choices. And I love food. LOVE. FOOD. I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to eat. I love thinking about food and the best meals I have had. I love to think about what I am going to eat tomorrow, or this weekend. And that’s the thing about it – I am going to be hungry tomorrow, this weekend, next year, and for the rest of my life. I am not going to be able to stop being hungry. Sometimes hunger is a great pleasure, and sometimes it is cruel torture.

 

 

So after David patiently and lovingly calmed me down, I had a snack and felt better and realized I could have by-passed this whole snafu if I had just eaten a couple of flippin’ tacos. So what if it was 10:30pm? My mind was clear and I thought to myself – first things first – let’s CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Because you know what the WORST thing for your body is? Stress. And I had been binging on stress for weeks.  Was me being hungry for late night tacos worth a total sobbing breakdown? No way. Eat two tacos, be happy, go on with your life. That’s my new way of thinking.

 

 

I can say with all honesty that I am never going to be able to be a stereotypical Hollywood kind of woman – only nibbling on food, surviving on salads and juice cleanses – that is not in my nature. I love food far too much, and I truthfully feel bad for those women who can’t enjoy the joy of eating scrumptious things.  Because eating should be a joy – not a vice or a tool or an weapon- food should make you happy and fuel your body, right? When you are constantly striving to be thinner and thinner – that’s when food becomes a true enemy and I hereby vow never to let that happen to me.

 

 

But on the reverse of that, I can’t give in to my every craving, either. I have never been a overeater – I stop when I am full – but I HAVE been known to live for months on nothing but cereal. Sugar, bread, pasta, rice  - these foods are my downfall. And while I will never give them up entirely, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just cutting back a bit, and maybe adding some veggies that weren’t there before. I guess that means I won’t lose weight as fast as I would like, and maybe not even lose as much as I would like, but I think that its a good compromise to make myself happy. And I truly do need to start looking at myself the way I look right now this minute and feel that I am beautiful and sexy, because – man – sometimes its REALLY hard to tell myself that.  But no one can make me believe it besides myself and I think now is a good time to start understanding that I AM beautiful – because I am human and because I have a good heart and because I am a work in progress.

 

 

So I guess its weird – I’m trying to think about the future and not think about the future all at once. I want to live my life day by day and not be too harsh on myself, but I also want to lay down groundwork for where I will be in ten years (healthier & happier, hopefully!!) I guess that’s pretty contradictory, but hey. You’re talking to a girl who can manage a full breakdown over tacos, so logic sometimes goes out the window with me.  It feels good to be honest and get all of this out.

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